Le Ramble

Liz, I miss you.

2010-01-23T01:04:00.000-06:00

So everyone... I haven't come back in a year nearly as life got... well... like life. On January 15th my best friend passed away. I don't know how to deal with this and will be coming and posting here I think more often... I hope more often.

I miss her and I feel like I'm falling apart... but somehow I am going to get through this with God. I don't understand why she was taken, why she had to go through the things that she did... but I know that God has a plan.

It hurts a lot right now, more than I thought possible. Maybe one of these days I'll be able to write her a letter but not yet... it's too close and too much for me to be able to do that yet.

To anyone else out there going through the loss of a loved one.. please know you aren't alone in your grief. Please know that God loves you, that He is willing to take you in His arms. Reach out to Him and He will be there.

Staying with Jeff...

2009-01-29T15:10:00.002-06:00

I've spent the last few days with Jeff at his apartment. Things are going okay though there have been moments. I will probably be going home on Saturday. I need some time by myself which is normal I think.

I've been working on my homework for therapy.. listing goals and expressing the obstacles to those goals through artwork.

We'll see...

The Knife of Never Letting Go

2009-01-23T02:00:00.003-06:00

This book started out a little... odd.. but soon grew into a action packed novel. I admit that at first I almost put it aside. I almost stopped reading.

I am so glad I didn't.

Patrick Ness the author of the book, laid it all out perfectly. I love the characters and how they interplay... it's all amazing. He also has me on the edge of my seat for the second book in the triology which is due out in July - ish if my research is correct. I finished this book tonight and simply can't wait to find out what happens next.

I can't even describe what the book is about because it's just so different. I'm going to make a try though. Todd Hewitt is the last boy in Prentisstown which is located in the New World, on another planet. The really weird part, they can hear each others thoughts! This is referred to as "Noise".

To find out more, read the book! I highly recomend you doing this.

I'm giving it four stars because it really had a slow start and didn't grab me until a little ways in. But that could just have been me, and you may find you like it so much you'll give it the gleaming five star status.

Ways to Live Forever

2009-01-23T01:54:00.003-06:00

This book made me cry hard. It's about this boy who is living with terminal leukemia and all the things he wants to do before he dies. It's an amazing story. Did I mention that it made me cry? I just started it tonight and ended up finishing it because it's not too big of a book, and it's actually directed more towards children so it was a very easy read.

I highly recommend it. I'm giving it a four star rating because I loved it, but there was room for improvement. I'm not really sure what, but the style of the book left me wanting more. I think it is great for children though who probably would not pick up on this mystery lacking.

To Be.. or Not to Be... Married

2009-01-19T22:34:00.002-06:00

So, Jeff and I may be getting back together.
I know all the reasons not to. I know it may not be a good idea, that I might be doing it for the wrong reasons... all of that. I still miss him and love him and really want him in my life.

I don't know what to do anymore, to go with my feelings or what everyone is telling me to do.

What is the right thing and how do you know?

Anyway, not much else to say.

Update : Jeff coming home soon...

2009-01-17T00:21:00.003-06:00

So Jeff will probably be home by the 25th of this month. Shocking isn't it? I'm just floored and not sure what to feel about any of it. Most of all is this dread that I don't want to be an exwife, I don't want to have to get a divorce, and I just want things to be nice and comfortable. But.. they weren't before the accident, and they wouldn't be again if we went back to how things were again...

I know these things deeply. I still resent them. I resent every single person that keeps telling either him or me that it's in our best interest to separate. I LOVE him. I LOVE HIM. Why is this so horrible? Because we both happen to have mental illness? I see it.. and I don't see it. Difficult to explain right now.

Part of it all is that I feel like shit right now. My throat hurts, my mouth feels like... words can't describe... I took a darvocet which is slowly kicking in. I'm still in pain but really don't care.. haha.

Anyway, I hope you all like the new spin of my blog and the new book reviews though they aren't much as of yet. I just haven't had the energy to go into any real depth with them. Maybe in the future.

Never Let Me Go

2009-01-17T00:13:00.003-06:00

I just got done reading Never Let Me Go by Kazuo Ishiguro. What a thinker of a book. It's about the possibility of creating actual people just to harvest organs from, and how they grow up... it's all told from the clones perspective. Very interesting read and I highly recommend it.

I'm still reeling a bit from the love story involved in it and how sad all of it really is. I can't imagine our society stooping this low, but in another way... it does not seem so far off does it?

So if I love it so much why only three stars? Well.. it dragged on for me a bit and was rambly in parts I thought. I love the idea of the book but wanted more.... action? It just wasn't the type of book I expected so that put me off a bit.

The Chronicles of Amber

2009-01-15T13:27:00.004-06:00

The Chronicles of Amber by Roger Zelazny is a collection of books that is... what is the right word... awesome? genius? mind-blowing? These are deep (to me) pay attention to every detail books. Also the collection is around 1250 pages so I'm not even done with it yet. I have however read enough to tell you that it's excellent science fiction. Am I going to go as far as some people have and actually spend hundreds of dollars visiting an 'Ambercon'? Probably not. It's not even a book, because of it's size, that I will read all that often. I give the collection a four of a possible five stars.

Time Travelers Wife

2009-01-15T13:11:00.004-06:00

The Time Travelers Wife (link contains spoilers!) by Audrey Niffenegger is probably one of my favorite books of all time. It's romantic without being cheesy, it's real with just enough fantasy to keep me going. I highly suggest reading it if not owning this book. Since you can get a used copy from at around $5 (and that includes shipping!) it's well worth the cost. If you can't afford that (and boy can I relate to not having an extra five bucks around) you can probably get it from your local library and at worst case an inter library loan. I give it a rating of 4.9 out of a possible 5 stars.

Why not a full five? Well... I love it. I don't love the ending. I'm not going to tell you about the ending because that would just spoil everything. Plus I like to leave a little room for anything that I may love more than it which is doubtful as I've read this book now... four times... and loved every single word, on every single page. Yes, even the ending.

Jeff has begun walking

2009-01-12T15:11:00.004-06:00

Well, Jeff began walking two days ago. Just using one leg for now, and he's using a walker but it's definete improvement. He's also been approved for the therapy for upstairs at the hospital. I still don't know how I'm supposed to feel about all of this but I'm excited for him. How can I not be?

He'll probably be headed to his apartment in about seven to ten days! Amazing isn't it? We all thought it would be much longer than that. Months, and months of therapy... and now only maybe two weeks? Miracles do happen.

That being said.. things are still on the same track for us. We will remain separated (no way am I giving up this apartment), and see how things go as for the divorce proceedings in February.

In other news I have an abscessed tooth. Going to the dentist bright and early tomorrow morning. I'm on antibiotics which are helping as well as darvocet (sp?) which makes me rather loopy.

Hopefully things will be looking up.

More later.

I mailed Jeff a present...

2009-01-05T21:46:00.003-06:00

As the title states, I mailed Jeff a present. Two burned CD's of music ... kind of stating how I'm feeling. I also included two letters which express how I feel and what I'm going through at the moment.

The songs list is as follows::

CD 1

1	What I Wouldn’t Give	Holly Brook
2	Stop	Matchbox 20
3	Counting Blue Cars	Dishwalla
4	What Hurts the Most	Rascall Flatts
5	The Freshmen	The Verve Pipe
6	Over My Head (Cable Car)	The Fray
7	Your Winter	Sister Hazel
8	Hanging By a Moment	Lifehouse
9	When the Lights Go Down	Faith Hill
10	Hide and Seek	Imogen Heap
11	Follow You Down	Gin Blossoms
12	Wherever You Will Go	The Calling
13	Hemorrhage (In My Hands)	Fuel
14	A Long December	Counting Crows
15	32 Flavors	Ani Defranco
16	Stand	Rascal Flatts
17	Simple Together	Alanis Morrisette
18	Giving It Up For You	Holly Brook

CD 2

1	Suddenly I See	K.T. Tunstall
2	Jumper	Third Eye Blind
3	This is Your Life	Switchfoot
4	Teardrop	Massive Attack
5	Moving Forward	Hoobastank
6	A Home	Dixie Chicks
7	Fire Escape	Fastball
8	Warning Sign	Coldplay
9	Black Horse and The Cherry Tree	K.T. Tunstall
10	Easier to Be	Lifehouse
11	Goodnight and Go	Imogen Heap
12	Mr. Jones	Counting Crows
13	Name	Goo Goo Dolls
14	She Don’t Want The World	3 Doors Down
15	Unwell	Matchbox 20
16	Hey Jealousy	Gin Blossoms
17	Boston	Augustana
18	Babylon	David Gray
19	Hands Held High	Linkin Park

I listen to them a lot, in fact I am as I type this listening to teardrop by Massive Attack. I highly recommend all of the music listed here as well as other songs by these artists.

Update - Oh my... what a year.

2009-01-04T22:49:00.005-06:00

I can't believe I haven't written in a whole year!

So much has happened.

I had a really rough patch a few months ago and ended up in the hospital (yes, again). When I got out Jeff and I had a fight and I went back in. Jeff and I have basically decided to divorce and as of right now he's not speaking to me, though we were on good terms for a little while. Sadly we aren't anymore.. mostly because of my new interest in Wicca and my resolve not to follow exactly the path he wants me to. Though he'd probably say he's just trying to guide me away from danger (I haven't decided yet if that is the case) it certainly feels like just another way to control me.

Do I love him? Of course... and yet that isn't enough anymore.

In other news, I have my own apartment! It is an efficiency but I love it and it's nice. New hard wood flooring and everything. I'm also back into my art which hopefully I'll be able to post eventually. Right now I don't have a scanner but perhaps in the future, who knows. I plan to sell some things on either deviantart or etsy.com when I have more art produced.

I've also been reading and watching movies, and while I don't actually own a TV, my trusty computer is serving this purpose very well. I'll post some reviews of that later.

Also if you are at all interested in Pagan or Wiccan interests, check out The pagan online campus (Link can be found in my favorites), it's free and they offer a number of classes through out the year. There are many other sites out there too, but this has been the best for me so far.

My mental illness is doing wonderfully right now... meaning.. I am actually quite stable though sad at times that my marriage is dissolving. I think that's normal however.

Anyway, look for updates in the future, I hope to write more often about different things than my urge to self harm... ta ta for now.

Update and Questions

2008-01-29T22:09:00.000-06:00

A bit of an update.. I did end up buying razors at the store. Jeff knows but is just trying to get by as well and can't take care of me in the way I probably need. I meet with Christie tomorrow and she's read up to this point so she knows whats going on. I'm nervous about that, that maybe she'll be upset with me because I haven't gone to the hospital. I don't know..

I don't know how to make any of this better. I'm headed for a crash and I don't want to, but I can't stop it. Jeff says I've done really well, that I average about every four or five months and it's been about six.. as if that's supposed to make me feel better.. that I can stay on top of it for five months.

I started wondering the other day, why I post all this online. It's incredibly revealing stuff. But.. mostly strangers are reading it and the only people I know who are reading it are my treatment team.. everyone else are strangers basically. Maybe it's some symptom of my illness.. craving the attention... maybe not.

Questions from Secret Shame- Self Assessment

1.Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
I started getting anxious before my dermatology appointment today. That went well, and after it was like all of the emotions I had been holding in just came rushing out. I'm overwhelmed. I can't sleep.. I can't watch t.v... I don't know how to make myself feel better. Nothing is working.

2.Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
Yes. Distraction techniques usually work.. like watching t.v. or reading. I took my meds and that hasn't helped. I'm just tired and jittery. I feel like giving up, but I promised myself I would do this.

3.What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
I've tried to sleep, watched t.v., journaled, tried to sleep again, practiced going to my 'safe place' which didn't help at all. I'm filling out these questions to see if it will help. I took more medications and I'm hoping they will make me tired enough to fall asleep.

4.How do I feel right now?
Extremely sad, lonely, and anxious. I don't want to let people down by self harming but at the same time a lot of me just wants to feel better. Self harming makes me feel better for a little while. It keeps me from getting worse and thinking about suicide.. which in one way is scary because what if this just keeps going? I can't be doing this every single night. I used to do that, and I don't want to go back there. I don't know how to stop though.

5.How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
Calm, relieved, maybe even a little bit 'high', maybe a little nervous about getting caught.

6.How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
For a while after I will just ignore the guilty feelings and concentrate on the high, but tomorrow morning I'll feel guilty for letting everyone down, and chances are that tomorrow I'll feel bad again.

7.Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
That's the problem, I'm not really sure what the stressor is besides just my depression, etc. acting up again. The next two weeks are going to be really stressful because I have court on Friday, and we have all kinds of financial meetings for our housing and Jeff's insurance coverage. Plus next week I have my doctor, my therapist, and a med fill.. which I didn't think was that big of a deal but it could possibly stress me out a bit. I don't know how to make any of it better, and I don't feel like I can.

8.Do I need to hurt myself?
Probably not, but I probably will anyway. I simply can't be like this all night and Jeff isn't available. This isn't his fault.. but I don't have anyone else I feel comfortable talking to at this hour.. I could call the helpline.. but even the thought makes me more nervous than I already am.

A Long Walk

2008-01-27T14:38:00.000-06:00

So Jeff and I had an argument. He's said at least twice that we will go to the store 'later'. I don't want to walk over there because it's cold, it's a bit of a walk, and I know I'll buy razors. I'm almost at the point where I want to go over there and buy razors just to prove that I shouldn't go over there alone.

The main part I don't like about walking over there is crossing tenth street. I seem to always almost get hit by a car that thinks I don't have the right to be crossing the street. I'm always paranoid that I'm going to get hit so my anxiety goes up and by the time I get to the store I'm in a panic attack. So lets see.. I'm angry, which makes me want to cut.. by the time I'll get there I'll be angry and anxious.. so I'll want to cut more, and by the time I'll get back home I'll be even more anxious, angry, and exhausted from the walk in the cold. So chances are, I would self harm. Thanks for the loving, kind, generous support Jeff.

I don't know what to do. I'll probably end up going. Maybe I won't cut though.. I feel so pathetic for even having these problems. How lame is it that it's this big of a deal to walk to the store? At the same time I can't believe he can't take thirty minutes to drive me over there. All I really want to get is milk and butter.

Eh, screw it. I'll walk over and be bitchy to Jeff for a while.

Assessing the Self

2008-01-27T03:34:00.000-06:00

I felt like self harming tonight. So I went and did the self assessment on secret shame (a self harm website).. and the following are my answers.

1.Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? I'm anxious and nothing seems to be working to calm me down.
What has brought me to this point? I'm not sure, I just started to feel bad and it's gotten worse as the night has gone on. Maybe I'm nervous about going to sleep?

2.Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? Yes, I took my meds and went to sleep..
How did I feel then? Tense, and it took a long time to fall asleep.

3.What have I done to ease this discomfort so far? I took my PRN, and I practiced tapping into my safe place. I tried to lay down.
What else can I do that won't hurt me? I can spend some time on the computer, or watch t.v.

4.How do I feel right now? About the same.. more apathetic. I feel like the only reason I'm not self harming is how other people feel about it. If it was just me I would be self harming right now and I don't think I'd care all that much.

5.How will I feel when I am hurting myself? I will get that high, and I will calm down. I'll feel a little bit better at least.. even if only for a little while.

6.How will I feel after hurting myself? Guilty.
How will I feel tomorrow morning? Ashamed, scared.. kind of ironic. Those feelings are a lot of the reason I want to self harm in the first place.. that's how it becomes this cycle.

7.Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future? I don't know since I don't really know what the stressor was. I'm not sure what upset me.

8.Do I need to hurt myself? I don't know.. I still want to. I just want to feel better than I do right now.

The Hardest of Truths

2008-01-18T23:11:00.000-06:00

I'm just lost right now. I haven't written in a while.. again. Christmas went okay, and we did nothing for the new year. Jeff is still extremely depressed. I just feel really disconnected from everything. I am holding back because I don't want to hurt Jeff, and that just makes me more withdrawn. He doesn't even notice because he sleeps so much..

I love him so much. At least I think I do. How can I love someone else when I can barely stand myself? What is love anyway? Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if we hadn't gotten together. I'd be living somewhere, maybe in a group home. But would I be more independent? I don't know. In some ways being with Jeff has held me back.. allowed me to not do things that I should be doing on my own.

The hardest of truths? I don't know if I'm with Jeff because I love him, or I'm just afraid of the alternative. Because it's both.. because I can't imagine life without him, but I also can't imagine life continuing in this way forever either. The way we are living isn't working. I'm going to have break down after break down on this path until.. something. I don't even know what.

I don't even have anywhere to go if I did want to leave.. which I don't. Maybe this is what people mean when they say that the 'honeymoon' is over. Perhaps that is all this is. Perhaps I'm just thinking too much. Well, Jeff won't be reading this anytime soon.. because he feels 'good' and he knows that this will be a downer.

He's pissed me off so much in this instant that if I had somewhere else to go, I'd go there and be with whoever else. But the reality of my life is that while I have people who love me.. I don't have anyone that would take me in. And I don't have an escape route planned. The question is do I need one?

What concerns me is that it isn't any one thing or behavior that Jeff is doing or saying that is causing this. This .. whatever this is.. is something inside me. It's got little or maybe nothing to do with him. Since I don't even know what's happening.. I'm not sure how to go about fixing it, if it is even fixable.

My self harm urges are back, and I'm heading into another down slide. Maybe that's what this is.. who knows. I just want it to be over already.

Pictures

2008-01-05T23:39:00.000-06:00

Toby

C.J.

Le Rant?

2007-12-21T14:17:00.000-06:00

I haven't been posting because I really haven't been able to talk. I've been talking to both Christie and Shelly.. and it's a lot. Today I decided to get on though.
I understand that Jeff is having a hard time right now, and that this is just the reality of bipolar. I miss my husband though.. and now he's missed both appointments that he had this week. I don't know.. basically all he does is sleep, get up.. eat.. go back to bed.. so maybe it's just me being selfish and lonely but I just want to go shake him. We still need to go to JCPenny's to pick up Christmas presents.. the ability to drive right now would really help.
I'm going to be getting together with my mom after Christmas.. probably Wednesday or Thursday. That should be nice, although I haven't spent time with her in months. I wonder if I'll be nervous with her or not.. we'll see. Some missionaries came by and I was really nervous with them, so I'm not sure what will happen. Sometimes I get nervous and sometimes I don't..
In reality I don't have anything to complain about.. I've received both things I asked for already. Sims 2 expansion packs (very exciting!) and a digital camera from Jeff's dad... and some earrings as well. Plus the gifts aren't over, I have one more coming in the mail.. the exchange on Christmas Eve with Jeff's mom. Plus an exchange I'm going to have with my mom after Christmas. And those are just the gifts I know about.. there could be more, not sure on that one.
Anyway, I'm in a down mood.. it will pass eventually.

When will tomorrow come?

2007-12-13T01:14:00.000-06:00

I haven't written in a while.. haven't been up to it. I've been extremely frustrated.
For the past few years I've survived on the common mental health lines.. "Tomorrow will be better", "This too shall pass".. etc. They just aren't working anymore. Things are getting worse, and this tomorrow that I'm trying to convince myself of.. it's just nowhere in sight.
I've experienced some real rages in the past few weeks, and I'm not really sure why. Jeff seems convinced it's because I'm finally 'waking up'.
To explain, first I want to say, I love Jeff completely. I wouldn't be alive without him (he did literally save my life once - read past entries to find out about that). Having said that.. I'm starting to become terrified that this.. this life we have right now.. is.. it. Jeff is 50 years old now.. and he sleeps basically 75% of the time on most days. Some days less, and some days.. like today.. more. I think about what my life would be without him.. and it's not all that much better, and in a lot of ways it would be worse. Rather than being mostly alone.. I'd be completely alone, I'd take a drastic cut in finances, I'm not sure where I'd live, and since I have no transportation and can't drive.. that would be difficult. That's just the basics.. I'd also go without the many positives that come out of my relationship with Jeff. He's funny, he loves me deeply, and when he's able.. he shows it. It just hasn't been often as of late.
Maybe I am 'waking up'. In ways I'm extremely blessed. I have a warm home, food, cable t.v, a computer, computer games, a phone, music, a wonderful support system, the list goes on and on. I think of those things and I want to tell myself to get over it and just be thankful, because many people in my situation have far less and make do without basic things like housing, and regular meals. I want to just be grateful.. and I am grateful.. but it also hurts to know that there are things I probably won't ever have.
So the next time someone tells me it's going to be better 'tomorrow', I'm going to ask them.. exactly how many todays are there going to be? I've been dealing with depression for at least ten years now if not longer, but you never know.. maybe this too shall pass.

The Old Journals

2007-11-26T15:06:00.000-06:00

At the encouragement of Jeff I am posting an announcement. I found an old journal from last year when I was really dark, worse than I am now. I am currently putting the entire journal into my archives. It's difficult to read through, but it's about my self harm as well as a suicide attempt that (thanks to God) I survived. Keep checking back as more will be added as I get around to it. All of these posts can be found in my archives (found in the menu at the right).

Voluptuous

2007-11-26T03:15:00.000-06:00

Well.. I can officially not buy razors. We are completely out of money until we get paid on the third. I'm not that worried about it though, I really don't care. I am frustrated though. Jeff and I spent a lot of the day in bed.. just tired. He was able to get up to watch football however. He can't get up to support me, but hey, if it's football. I feel abandoned and alone. I know he's going through stuff right now with his bipolar depression hitting him like a sledge hammer.. but knowing that doesn't make it easier to deal with. It still triggers my borderline like crazy.
Tonight I tried telling Jeff about my bulimia while I was a teenager, though he wasn't really listening to me. I told him I was a little worried because I've been restricting lately and he basically said "Good, you have gained a weight". He also said that I'm ' voluptuous ' .. which right now I feel is his way of nicely saying I'm fat. I will give him credit in that he did say he didn't mean it that way, but it sure feels that way. I'm going to try and diet and exercise, try and lose some weight since I seem to be so not fat but 'voluptuous'.
I'm so tired of being the way I am. Right now I'm just trying to do whatever makes me feel better for a little while even if it's unhealthy. I simply don't care. Maybe it's all for attention or me staying sick.. or something else entirely.. I don't know anymore and I'm exhausted of trying to figure out why I'm so broken. I won't do anything.. but this is the closest I've come to being suicidal in a while. Scary.
I see Dr. Andre tomorrow.. I really, really, really, and did I mention really? don't want to see him. He wanted me to talk to Dr. Stanley again and I didn't and he's probably going to bring that up. I don't know why it freaks me out so much but it's like I'm worried he's going to be mad at me.. and I try and reason it out, like say.. even if he does get mad at me. So? What exactly is going to happen if someone gets angry at me? I've no idea but the idea of it freaks me out.

Abandonment

2007-11-24T00:07:00.000-06:00

I cut again tonight. Jeff has been sleeping all day and I feel so abandoned. It's dumb.. I know why he's sleeping and it's got nothing to do with me. He had a problem with his medications, there was a mix up and that understandably freaked him out. Even freaked me out a little.. thinking about him going without his medicine all weekend.
A big part of me feels like life is always going to be like this. It's never going to change. I don't like talking about the 'darkness' because it's like proving that I need the ECT's. I don't know what to say.. I'm blanking out.

Thanksgiving

2007-11-22T22:57:00.000-06:00

Thanksgiving went moderately well. We went to this church that served a meal, and that was nice though the crowd was a bit much. The meal was awesome, and I'm incredibly thankful that we were able to go.. we even took Jeff's mom. We got home and everything was fine.
Jeff watched the football game for a little while.. and I think we were both just too tired for it so we decided to take a nap. I'm almost asleep and guess who calls? My mom! Heck it's only been how many months? Whats really weird is that Jeff and I had just been talking about her last night. I didn't answer, but listened to the message. I don't know how to respond, or even if I will.
The whole thing freaks me out, and I don't know what to do. I told Jeff that I really want to cut, and he just doesn't know how to help me. I don't even know how to help me. He said "Please don't harm yourself".. so I'm trying really hard not to directly hurt myself. Doing little stuff instead like.. pressing on this scratch that Toby gave me a little bit ago, pinching myself, snapping the rubber band on my wrist... we'll see how that works.
Anyway, I have the Sims 1 Complete collection working.. great eh? I thought so. Though I think I like Sims 2 a lot more, going to play that next. I'm wondering if I could get involved in creating items. Christie wants me to get involved in something other than mental health related stuff. Still working on ideas related to that, I looked for book clubs on yahoo and didn't really find any.. but haven't done extensive searching yet. we shall see.

Fighting For a Reason

2007-11-21T22:26:00.000-06:00

Again I don't know what to say.. I'm having a hard night. The first hard night while Jeff is up. Not sure what that's about, I know I'd be doing worse if he was sleeping. In a way I wish people understood that the self harm makes me feel better. I know why they don't want me to go there though.. I get it. I just want the pain and anxiety to go away. What if I am headed for another crash?
I don't know how to stop it. Where I am hurts and is comfortable at the same time.. doesn't make sense. I'm terrified to give up my 'sickness'. It's like.. what am I if I'm not mentally ill? Don't think I have to worry about that for a while yet. I want a reason to stop all the stupid stuff I do.. and none of the reasons I can think of really matter to me.
I don't know anymore.. had a good talk with Christie today. I got a lot of this crap out. We also talked about the hospital and if that was an option, and how it really wouldn't be all that much help right now. It's just feeding into that negative - getting attention for being sick thing that I do. I go on Monday to talk to the Doc. Not looking forward to that because he is going to want to know if I've talked to anyone about the ECT's and I haven't. It's like people don't realize the extent of my social anxiety. Then I have Shelley on Tuesday.. that's going to be intense.
Anyway, I'll continue to search or.. fight... for a reason to stay safe.

The Battle Rages On

2007-11-17T21:01:00.000-06:00

I haven't written in a little while. Haven't really known what to say. I admitted some of my compulsive behaviors to Jeff and Christie. It helped.. made me feel lighter, but now I'm dealing with trying to stop. Hell.. I can't even talk about them here. I can talk about everything else but not this. Fear, guilt, and shame are ugly monsters to battle.
I self harmed last night. The pain gets to be so much at night, and Jeff was asleep.. and now for the lamest excuse on the planet.. I couldn't get Creatures: The Albian Years to work. I'll eventually ask on the forum that is set up for the games, but my social anxiety is getting in the way right now.
What I've realized though is that it's progressive.. it's not just once. I want to self harm again, and more. A very big part of me doesn't want to stop. I want to feel better and it's like a high. Which.. actually is true.. self harm does release chemicals. I wish I could go back to that teenager I was when I first started and beg her not to do this. She didn't know the depth of what she was doing. I haven't told Jeff yet.. he's been dealing with his own stuff and I haven't wanted to bring him down even more. He'll blame himself because he wasn't available to me. I slept on the couch because he was snoring and shaking so much..
I have the three books that I bought, they came in the mail.. got the final package today with the EA big book. I'm a part of the loop, and there are people who seem to be in recovery.. people thanking God because they are doing better. I can't imagine this. Maybe one day eh?
What's weird is that today I did laundry.. and cooked dinner. I got stuff done even though I felt like I'd been run over. Anyway, I wanted to get something out there. Even if no one reads this..

It Works if You Work It

2007-11-11T13:09:00.000-06:00

I got my book yesterday. It Works If You Work It I'm liking it so far, what I've been able to read anyway. Lots and lots of useful information about EA.. and how to work the steps. There is even an online group that I might join, but I'm not sure yet. I know the book will help a lot when I'm in those moods.. hopefully anyway.

I'm worried about money, the budget seems blown yet again. I don't know, seems the same thing happens every month and it never changes. I feel trapped in my own apartment. There's so much clutter and mess just everywhere. And it's like.. if I don't do it, it's just not going to get done.

I'm just tired of trying so hard.. for everything. Everything has to be so difficult. And me? I'm just irresponsible and selfish and stubborn and a million other things that I won't bother to list. I'm waiting for Tuesdays meeting.. maybe I'll get the nerve up to ask someone to be my sponsor.

Sponsor = sober person offering newcomer steps of recovery

Nice eh? I thought so.

Justification.. Reasons

2007-11-08T20:21:00.000-06:00

I don't even know what to say... I just need to get something out there. I keep thinking up all these excuses to cut. Like I'll only do it a little, it will only be once... no one will know... it's my body.. so it's my choice. The reasons to not cut seem to get smaller and smaller. Even the idea of scars doesn't really matter to me anymore. But I know that it won't just be once, it won't just be one cut... I'll want to do it again, and more. Just like any other addiction it's progressive.

So... what's behind my want to cut? I don't really know so I'll just list stuff that's bothering me. Lets see... I've started to think.. and first of all, I love Jeff with every breath of my being... but I married someone who is unavailable, and very ill a majority of the time. He's not as bad as he could be... but he has been bad. Number two... ECT's seem to be the only thing that have worked. There I said it. I admit that nothing else works and I'm spiraling downward... that's why I'm going to try EA. Number three... I'm lonely. I want attention.. and the only way I know how is drama. Drama equals cutting.. maybe even just wanting to cut. So, if I want to cut bad enough maybe Jeff will come to my side? Hmmm.. could very well be. Number four.. all the family BS that I don't even want to get into because it's just that.. BS. Number five.. guilt. Guilt for not being better, for causing drama.. for not working.. etc. Shame might fit in there too.. I think that's about enough. I haven't even added in my borderline crap, or my depression, all that wonderful garbage that weighs me down on a regular basis.

So.. what do I do with my wonderfully gained knowledge? How do I solve my need for drama, my obsession with inflicting pain, my guilt, my shame, my general lack of whatever it is normal people have that helps them function in a regular world. Maybe EA will help with that... maybe not. Writing it all out seems to help a little, in a weird way.. knowing people in the world are reading this junk helps too. I'm not just alone.

Toxic Parents

2007-11-08T12:15:00.000-06:00

I've been reading a lot lately. I ordered three EA books. I hope they help, I think they will. One of the books I've been reading is Toxic Parents by Susan Forward.. I most certainly had toxic parents. There is a list of questions to answer to see if you had toxic parents are not.

3. Did your parents get drunk or use drugs? Did you feel confused, uncomfortable, frightened, hurt, or ashamed by this?

4. Were your parents severely depressed or unavailable because of emotional difficulties or mental or physical illness?

5. Did you have to take care of your parents because of their problems?

That's not even all of it... freaks me out. She says if I answered yes to even one third of the questions that the book can help me.. so.. yeah, I'm going to read it and see. Jeff says he's read it like three times and it helped him. We'll see.

I'm also thinking of trying to get school records of why I saw a school counselor. All the way through elementary I saw a school counselor and I'm not sure why this is. Was there suspicion that I was being abused? And if there was why wasn't something further done? I'm not sure why else I'd see a counselor so consistently... and through two schools.

On a brighter note, there are people visiting! I even got a comment on my last post. Praise God!! So exciting to get that.

I'm also getting involved in Creatures 3 again... much cheaper if you buy it on e-bay by the way. get all three (or 4..) games at once. I ordered the albian years which is Creatures 1, and 2 combined. Anyway, I'll post more about it later. I might even start a Creatures blog which would be fun.

Self Mutilation Anonymous

2007-11-05T19:12:00.000-06:00

I went to a meeting tonight. It helped a little bit. Looking more forward to the meeting in the morning, emotions anonymous. Made me think about the steps a lot. That and all the things I do that I don't count as self harm but really are. Like chewing on my lips is a big one.. I've made them bleed.. how did I not see that?

I think that the tools of recovery are great... though the meeting might be a bit much for me. I'm hoping that EA will be better and not as triggering.

The Tools of Recovery

* Make attendance at meetings your first priority

* Disclose what you do to mutilate and identify it as an addiction

* Study 12 Step Literature (SMA's and other programs') to remind yourself of your powerlessness

* Exercise regularly to relieve stress

* Be aware of your triggers

* Talk to another self-mutilator to short-circuit the behavior

* Draw or write down your feelings: don't take them out on yourself

* Break out of your routine

* Find a constructive outlet for your anger

* Find a creative use for your free time

* Use these tools to abstain from secondary mutilation behaviors, too

Step 1 Tradition 3

2007-11-04T11:07:00.000-06:00

On Tuesday I'm going to a meeting of EA...I've been in step chat the past day or so, just taking things slowly. I wanted to order the EA books from Amazon but Jeff wants me to wait, and it's a good idea.. maybe I can get them from the meeting at a better price. As if that matters right now when I'm a total mess. It scares me how close I came to breaking last night. I wanted to cut so bad, and Jeff wasn't available. I haven't seen him that tired in a long time. I understand.. but I needed someone.. badly, and no one was there.

We admitted we were powerless over our emotions — that our lives had become unmanageable.

The only requirement for EA membership is a desire to become well emotionally.

Those two are big... really big...I went to an AA group last night that focused on them. It was okay, though I can see how face to face meetings help more.

The chair collapsed and eased some of my urge... skinned my knee a little. Right now I can barely sit here and write.. I'm just anxious and edgy. Writing helps.. a little anyway. It might be because I'm just tired. I might go try and lay down for a while.

Nothing to Do With Trains

2007-11-02T23:12:00.000-05:00

I've been angry lately. And unlike what Jeff is convinced of, it really does have nothing to do with trains. I'm bordering on suicidal, not that I'd do anything. I want to make that clear, I am safe. Jeff says I've been more angry than he's ever seen me... I just want to scream and throw things and break something. I'm tired of everything having to be such a struggle.

Common sense would say.. well then go back to the ect's they seemed to be helping. I just don't want them. I can't even say why. The memory loss would be a big one. There is so much stuff that I simply don't remember.

Why am I angry? I'm angry because no one was there for me. I'm angry that I constantly feel abandoned even when I'm not simply because no one protected me when I was young enough for it to make a freaking difference. I'm angry that I didn't have a mother and father, I had a friend and someone who parented when it was convenient. I'm angry that I had to be so dramatic to get an ounce of attention from anyone. I'm angry that I sliced my legs to ribbons and instead of staying home with me my Dad got the neighbor lady to come and tell me what a horrible daughter I was. I'm angry that I still feel guilty for a divorce that should have happened years ago, but I instigated. I'm angry because things could and should be different. I'm angry because I struggle to get through every day.. and nothing is going to change my parents.

My Dad has this new family that loves and adores him. Two wonderful stepkids and a wonderful new wife. I bet they don't know that he never helped with homework, rarely went to school functions, left me alone with his son who molested me... No.. bet they don't know anything about that. I don't even care if they find this. I'm not saying anything besides the truth. And hey, the truth stings sometimes.

As for my mom... we've always been friends. I didn't need a friend. I needed a mom. And when I needed her most she was too busy getting drunk or high, or spending time with her boyfriend.
I didn't want to hear about her sex life, or the drugs she scored. I wanted someone to protect me from myself when I found porn on the internet and blades to take away all the pain I felt. But no one was there..

I'm angry and I'm not used to someone caring and stepping in and protecting me and Jeff does that. Sure the trains trigger me, sure his depression triggers me, but hey it triggers me when he goes to the bathroom... everything does. And to be honest.. that's something ect's will never take away.

Killered Bee and Me

2007-11-01T12:56:00.000-05:00

I was walking near the porch, and noticed that the cats were fighting over something so I took a look and nearly had a heart attack. It was a left over bee... I thought they'd all be dead by now. It is finally November... Gives me the shivers. Jeff killed it.. said it was near it's end anyway. Now I'm all paranoid that there's going to be another one flying around behind me. I don't even know why I have this phobia of bees, never been stung.. but they freak me out. Then again a lot of things freak me out.. a lot.. such is the life of someone with agoraphobia. Now that I have that incident off of my chest...

I can talk about last night. It was hell. I'm still a mess. I can barely do anything. I have Christie at two pm.. She's my case manager and I fill meds with her.. she helps with a lot of different things to do with my mental health. She also drives me places since I can't drive yet. Still haven't gotten my drivers licence although at this point I could. I've gone long enough without a seizure.
Last night Jeff was really understanding and helped a lot. Though anymore I feel like I have to act okay or he's going to push the ect's on me again.. though I know he doesn't mean to do this, but he does. It's not that I think they are bad, they just freak me out. They do help though.. so I'm thinking about it. I think the other blog idea I have will keep me busy. I'm currently reading Hitchikers Guide to the Galaxy, I hope to read the whole series. I got them from paperbackswap.com. Nice eh?

I am so hungry..but to eat I have to wash dishes which I'm just too lazy to do right now. I think I'm going to go read.. fill up some time that way before Christie gets here.

Endless Treatment

2007-10-31T13:50:00.000-05:00

I am so tired of needing treatment. Jeff says I shouldn't have quit ECT's all together. I don't know anymore. The memory loss was annoying. But evidence is that they worked.. I feel like I'm never going to get better. Jeff is also having a hard time, Dr. Bean upped his paxil. Heck I can't even call community health without having anxiety.
Probably won't get samples of my synthroid, will have to get it from walmart on Friday when we get paid. Doesn't seem like anything is really working right now. I'm so sick of being broke. We did get a free breakfast this morning... Jeff got a coupon because he got the flu shot. So we split a breakfast and it was great.
I'm working on another blog.. it's going to be me talking about the movies, shows and books that I've been reading and watching. I figured it would be something to do to get me active. Plus it will be fun. I have tons of books and shows to add, and I can get more books and movies from the library.. and once we get my debit card situation straighted out.. netflix will be an option.

A Bit of Humor

2007-10-30T15:43:00.000-05:00

I found this in my stuff and had to post it. Great huh? I've been posting so much serious stuff that I figured it was time to do something light. Hope you like it.

Random Thoughts

2007-10-30T15:03:00.000-05:00

Something I've noticed is that I don't speak out about stuff that I don't like. I always say 'oh that's okay..' Even when it's not. Like Jeff not showering. Then again I haven't either so who am I to complain. But like his beard, I just say it's fine.. even that I like it because I don't want to hurt his feelings. I don't want him to get hurt and withdraw.. which is what he does when he gets at all upset. I wonder if he does that with me. I hope not.. but who knows.

Jeff went to see Dr. Bean finally. He took a shower and got all cleaned up. There was a schedule conflict so he won't be home until at least five pm.. I just hope that something can be done about his depression, because it is really bad.

I've been thinking about my family.. and how they are the reason I am this way. Like if I had been in a more normal family I wouldn't have borderline. Maybe I wouldn't have this strong urge to self harm so much. I mentioned this to Jeff last night.. he says he's thought about it as well, but that he just can't go there anymore. It makes me angry. I don't know how to handle that.

Living on the Borderline

2007-10-29T22:07:00.000-05:00

I'm in so much pain right now. Just got done watching a show with Jeff.. he's actually up. Amazing huh? I keep thinking about self harm.. wondering if it was really such a good idea to stop the ECT's or not. I feel like I'm just surviving.. just getting by. I don't know how much longer I can do this.

I keep thinking about the past. Why am I so fixated on self harm to begin with? Is it all the borderline? Shelly says that it's understandable for me to have it considering my history, doesn't make the symptoms any easier. I told Jeff how bad I am.. well somewhat anyway, and he's staying up with me which is nice. I know he doesn't know what to do at all... he wants me to go back to the ect's. I'm thinking about it. The memory loss really holds me back.. but at the same time maybe it would be better than this. Who knows.

Small and Lost

2007-10-29T15:34:00.001-05:00

I don't know what to do anymore... I don't even know what to say. Jeff didn't go to his appointment again. He's so depressed, I don't know how to make him better at all. I feel so small... and lost.

I walked over to Hy-Vee to get milk and butter, my knees hurt now. Oh well. I'm just glad that I went, that's pretty big for me with my anxiety. I'm kind of watching t.v... but I'm so tired of it right now. I can't watch anymore. Turned it off.

Jeff has been sleeping all day.. literally all day. He got up to cancel his appointment with Dr. Bean and that's it. Even then he didn't really get up, I just brought him the phone. The same day that I make so much progress I'm so close to cutting. And.. I have no one...

Bored.. again.

2007-10-28T15:17:00.000-05:00

I need a hobby. Badly. Maybe I should pick up writing. I've written in the past, and now I have the perfect outlet for it. But all day I've been blank on what to write about. Once we get paid we can look at cameras.. or maybe some crochet stuff, that would be fun.

Jeff is finally awake .. at nearly three pm.. Oh well. He's watching a football game. Not sure what, it was the Vikings but I guess that games over now. I have literally nothing to do. I could go on Pogo, but it doesn't really appeal to me that much. So.. what to do. Maybe go watch more t.v. if I can get it away from Jeff.. that or play a computer game.

Pumpkin Pie.. and further Ramblings

2007-10-27T22:49:00.000-05:00

Jeff got pumpkin pie at the store. I washed some of the dishes, but my knee hurts too much to keep going. Right now Jeff is watching the world series. Which I understand.. I do.. just reminds me so much of Dad.. being ignored for sports. He pays attention to the cats, but not to me. I'm jealous of two cats.. how ridiculous is that.

I watched a law and order about a Christian guy killing an abortionist. I don't agree with abortion.. but I can't imagine killing because of it. Christians in the media are almost always portrayed negatively. That makes me sad. What's worse is the truth to some of it. The fact is that there are some Christians out there who are warped and do these things. I just don't see how that follows along with what God wants from us... but who knows what they think.

Loving Patient Wife

2007-10-27T17:06:00.000-05:00

***Censored at husbands request*** I'm hungry. So.. I'm being the loving patient wife... again. I've thought lately that maybe I should be a little more vocal about when I get like this. But shouldn't I be more patient?

I'm so sick of being broke. I can't work because of my anxiety.. so I can't make money. I probably won't get the digital camera because it will cost around $100 and Jeff needs money for his model rail road.

I feel like I have nothing. I could die and I'd just vanish off the face off the face of the earth. I know Jeff loves me. I know this. But lately.. it's not enough. I need an income of my own and an opportunity to make my own choices. At the same time I don't want to say anything because this train stuff has made Jeff so happy. I mean, major change.

I don't know what to do or think anymore... more later.

Changed My Mind

2007-10-27T13:16:00.001-05:00

I let Jeff back into the blog. Not sure why I changed my mind. Everyone has bad days.. Yesterday was a really bad day. I've come up with a hobby, it will even help with this blog thing. I am going to try and get a digital camera and take pictures. That should be fun. Not sure how it's going to work or not.

I'm going to go ... do whatever.

Self Harm

2007-10-26T21:55:00.000-05:00

I want to self harm so much. I took Jeff off the list of those allowed to view this.. I wouldn't be as open if I knew he might read it. I'm listening to the music on the t.v... The Message.

I keep wondering how I ended up like this. I love Jeff. I love Jeff so much. I probably wouldn't even be alive if it weren't for him. I should just go to bed.

It's weird to be this mad at Jeff. I'm not even sure why I am mad at him. I don't know anymore. I'll write more tomorrow.

I went to bed and I can't stop crying. Jeff seems so angry about everything. Things in the apartment bothering him more than usual..

I think he's having a break.

Going to try bed again.

Bored

2007-10-26T15:20:00.001-05:00

Bored out of my mind... I need a hobby. Something to do with my time.

Jeff's having a hard day. He's short on his meds which isn't good. I don't know what to do when he gets so upset. Doug is bringing us money for Jeff's refills which is good.. don't think I could handle days of Jeff like this. I really thought the railroad would make everything better.. but so far it's like things just continue to get worse.

Jeff thinks I should have ECT's at least once a week. I hated the memory loss that they caused. I also got anxious every time I'd go under..

Anyway, more later.

Inpatient

2007-02-02T09:00:00.000-06:00

I am in the hospital again - dealing with stuff again. It's early, waiting for breakfast. I got my mug filled with ice, they have awesome ice here. Perfect little pieces of ice. It helps with the hunger a little. The food here is always really good.
Hard to believe I'm here again. I am on self harm/ suicide watch so everything is locked.. annoying, but whatever. Things change all the time, they get us up at seven am and breakfast is at 7:15, group isn't until 8:15 - goals group. I woke up with a nightmare.
I got a call from a friend! I also got blood taken, a lot of it. I also have to pee, they want that too.

-------

I'm freaking out a little. It's taking forever for the doctor to come around. Waiting also for my person to come back from discharging a patient, taking forever. I just want to run away right now. Really working at not calling Jeff.. he's probably resting before the housing meeting. Hopefully that will go well, so he can visit tonight. Talked to him once already.. why can't that be enough? I'm weird though.
There is this group of women in front of me.. talking. I wish they would invite me, maybe it's my age or something like that. Maybe they don't like me already - some icky part of me rubbed off on them and now they want to steer clear of me all together. I want to go home in the worst possible way. I want to feel accented in a group but I know that takes time. Maybe once I get into Emotional Intensity classes, that will change. Then again maybe not.

-------

Waiting for a phone - talked to Jennifer, she helped a lot. I am still nervous about talking to the Doctor, but it feels more possible right now. I need to get information from Jeff, waiting until at least 3:30 to call him though. Dana for the staff is here.. someone that I know! Just had a snack.. cereal, oreo's, and tea. Waiting impatiently for the doctor to get to me, evidently she is really busy today. Trying not to be nervous about it - would almost be better if I got some resident rather than her. I know if I lay down she'll be here. Staying awake for the group at four pm.. about to go crazy. I wanted to check and see what they have in the unit library.. couldn't find anyone that's free. I'm going to scream or something.

--------

Big surprise, Jeff is not visiting. He got really upset at the computer and is now unable to visit.

-------

I weathered that storm, talked to some friends which is neat. I don't feel as alone really, just took my meds so I'll be going to sleep pretty soon. I hope he comes tomorrow, but evidently I will live through it even if he doesn't.

Cream Cheese Puff Recipie

2007-02-01T22:41:00.000-06:00

1/2 cup sugar
1 tsp. cinnamon
1/4 cup butter - melted
1/2 table spoon vanilla
1 tube refrigerated biscuits
1 package cream cheese cut into 10 cubes

combine sugar and cinnamon
combine butter and vanilla
press dough into three inch circles
dip cream cheese in butter then sugar
place one in each biscuit
seal and form into balls
dip in butter then sugar
bake at 375F 14 - 18 minutes

Poetry etc.

2006-12-28T19:46:00.000-06:00

I see him beside me
behind me
I feel him with me
reminding me
I'm not alone
Every breath I take
Step I make
Promise I break
I am not alone
I may travel faster
Reaching higher
I could go farther
Falling harder
Than I ever planned
But still...
I am not alone
I may be stronger
I may be older
I will never know the pain
I am not alone

--------------

I close my eyes
and try to find
the place inside
I've been hiding
all these years
It's disappeared
I'm lost and
I'm broken
No matter how
hard I try
I am still here.
All I have left
Are my secret tears
And all my hidden fears.

I wish I wasn't so tired, but in a way I'm glad that I am - will help me to stay on a normal sleeping pattern. Just took my meds which will help even more in that area. I got a huge thing of hair coloring in the mail. Not sure if I have the guts to use it or not, it looks very interesting. We shall see I guess.

If I could hear your voice
If I could see your face
Maybe my faith wouldn't waiver
But I've felt your touch
I've seen a burning bush
And still my doubt, it lingers
I couldn't begin to count
All the things that I've done wrong
Expecting you to turn from me
Yet you sent your son to die
And all I do is try, as you cry.

Christmas Eve!

2006-12-24T17:32:00.000-06:00

Well it's all over now, got all kinds of stuff. Including a printer, a George Foreman grill, plus clothes and a lot of other stuff. It was a good Christmas - everyone enjoyed it though it seemed to take a lot out of us - especially Pat. I am extremely tired.

Merry Christmas!

Poem - Left Alone

2006-12-17T18:27:00.000-06:00

Left alone
Without Hope
Trapped inside
These Boxes
of my mind
breaking free
it's just me
holding back
the key.

Long Time No See

2006-12-15T07:34:00.000-06:00

I haven't written in a while, hoping that will change. Going to write out a schedule and then stick to it. If I write out a schedule that might help me with time a little. Maybe that will work.. maybe not. Just writing out the schedule makes me nervous. I get worried that I won't do it 'right'.. like I have to follow my own schedule perfectly or I'm a failure, which makes little sense. But.. not sure how to get past it aside from just moving forward, keep going even if it doesn't work like I want it to... Which is one of the nice things about it being my schedule and not someone else's.
It's been so long since I've written anything.. not even really sure what to write. I got my secret santa presents today. A new journal, pastels, a sketch book.. a cat toy.. almost everything on my list very awesome. I'm excited to draw with the 59 oil pastels, maybe flowers or something.
I'm nervous about Jeff being so depressed.. I'm not sure how I will handle him being gone for weeks, not knowing how well he will be when he gets out.. the side effects from the ECT's .. He says that he is not suicidal, in that he does not want to kill himself, but he does want to be dead and not feel.. but he was able to take me to the store to mail my packages, that was fun to do. I know I'll do it again next year. I also sent Christmas cards and I think Christmas will be great. Though it Jeff is in patient getting ECT's that will dampen things a little, but we can always celebrate when does come home, maybe my mom can stay with me for a few days if he's gone over the holidays. Not sure how transportation will work but we'll see.

Exhausted

2006-09-19T12:23:00.000-05:00

Don't know about Toby. I am freaking out about the whole flea / ear mite thing. We gave her a bath and I am hoping that helps but I am not sure what we will do.. All of that on top of being sick has me for a loop. I want to be better already.
Have been lazy recently with this stuff. I try to be motivated but it's like it won't stick. Might be because I've felt so sick as of late, but I'm not sure. I see Nick again tomorrow, will see how that goes. Got labs done today, saw Christie, and spent time with Mom which was draining. She wants to get together again tomorrow. Not sure if that will happen or not. I really just want to stay at home and not go anywhere or do anything. But I'm ill and just tired... exhausted, we'll see what happens.

Toby Finding

2006-09-16T00:07:00.000-05:00

Wow times.. a million. The last few days would be enough to topple the most sane person.. where to start? Nick was great.. will be seeing him and Suzie, they are both great students at the Baptist college - Wednesday was mostly just background, hopefully I didn't overwhelm them. And get this, co- pay of only $1! Sad to know that there will be times when even that is hard to scrap together, but it's much better than I thought it would end up being.
Another event that happened Wednesday on the way home, we found a little stray kitten in the parking lot! Grey with orage and a bit of white and tufts on her ears, she is adorable! I'm thinking Calico/ Bobcat mix, she has fleas and ear mites but thankfully we found a place that helped for only thirty dollars. Plus we got some free food. We've named her Toby.

Baptist Seminary Student?

2006-09-12T11:51:00.000-05:00

So much to talk about.. C.J. is screaming her head off and it's driving us bonkers. We went to the library today and I got a book by Jerry B. Jenkins - now one of my favorites - Hedges "Loving Your Marriage Enough to Protect it". It even includes a DVD that I've started to watch. He has such a great sense of humor, and everything makes so much sense. It's scary to think about how easily a marriage can break up and how much temptation is really out there. The number of people messing up is what is truly disturbing. As much as I like it, it is a huge reality check. Many questions have been brought up. I'm not sure what to believe anymore.
I evidently have an appointment tomorrow with Nick, he is a Baptist Seminary student It would be awesome if he could help me. Sent Sara an e-mail about the meeting tomorrow.. not sure what it's going to be like. I know that I need someone and this would be ideal.. he can even help me with my Christian hang ups. Nervous/ excited.. kind of weird that I don't even remember having the appointment made or who helped me make it. I don't recognize the hand writing either.. who knows.

Post Overdose

2006-09-11T13:35:00.000-05:00

Wow.. what a week. Sara visited me in the hospital and even drove me home yesterday. I've slowly been learning more of what happened while I was drugged. Forgetting how to walk? Having my stomach pumped, hallucinating, being in the ICU overnight, being restrained... even the trip to the hospital.. I only remember little bits and pieces. It was a serious OD though. By the time I was in the ER I was 'lethargic and unresponsive'. Scary to know that I really could have died.
I took some of the stitches out of my leg and Jeff of course was freaked out by that. I don't think it was too big of a deal. Tempted to do the same with the rest just so I can skip the hassle of the self harm thing. I wish I wasn't so tired. But I am back to taking medication and seroquel really knocks me out.. going to be getting the rest of my meds tomorrow from 5th Street.. that doesn't have the same side effect thankfully.

At the Hospital- Overdose

2006-09-06T13:24:00.000-05:00

*Important Note: The following is journaling from directly after my suicide attempt. I have chosen to post it with this warning. If you are currently suicidal please stop reading and get help. Suicide is not the answer, even if it seems the only way out right now. What I have written here is the reality of a suicide attempt that nearly killed me. I suffered memory loss, hallucinations, loss of motor skills and more.. I literally forgot how to walk. That is just the beginning of what I went through, and nothing of what I put my family through.
This entry is a conglomeration of several days in one, I decided it would be better to have it all in one entry. Also note that while the grammar/ spelling seems good here, in writing it is not. I have fixed that to make it more readable. Thanks for taking the time to read.*

Big event today - I can walk! I just noticed that I haven't really eaten in quite a few days. I'm in the room right next to the nurses desk and they can see in and check on me at anytime they please.
While I can walk many of the vision/ touch things are still there as well as a few of the 'mental stumbles' I know I am mentally tired but I can't sleep even after all the ativan that they tried. They can't give me much because it interacts with the *censored drug name*.
I'm writing gibberish. I wish my throat didn't hurt as much as it does - still from having tubes stuck in it. My hand hurts asa well from the IV, but mostly sure that's just normal pain. In my room there is a two ply glass window that looks directly at the nurses station. I am really nervous about going to the psych ward and dealing with all the stuff that goes along with my suicide attempt. I hope Jeff comes by tomorrow so I can show off how good my walking has come along.
Just had to peel another heart monitor off of me.. I wish I knew what was going on even half the time. I keep having these dreams that I'm at home with Jeff but when I wake up this orange, green, yellow is everywhere. The IV in my arm is actually hurting but I'll wait until I know something is wrong with it.
The boredom of this place is really bad. I found brighter light, maybe that will help. Although it only seems to be making me tired. Main thing I'm waiting for right now is breakfast. Going to take a nap after that. I wonder what the staff think of me among the 'normal' patients. Some are confused, not sure what to make of it.. while others ignore me outright. I am so happy that I am walking again. I wonder what caused that before? Maybe Jeff will visit today and I can show off my new moves.. or be extremely bored.
Well no one has any idea as to when I might leave. I am tempted to do something dramatic on my way out.. not sure what would work though. While they may not understand self harm they do know enough to replace metal silverware with plastic and to make sure it's there when I am done. Have not been able to get Jeff on the phone..
They gave me the leg massager's again to help with my circulation. They feel good and are relaxing me - even on the leg with all the stitches. I don't know what to do anymore. So much of me just wants to go home and be with C.J. Soon they'll have a ride to get to the new mental health ward. That will be nice.. The women here don't give me pen caps, but I did get access to the computer, used my time to send Sara an e-mail. I wonder what Jeff is up to. I try to not think of him, but it doesn't work that well. One call would be enough, but for some reason he can't do that. Maybe it has something to do with the new building? I just want him to come visit me. I know it's stupid to be so paranoid.. wonder where he is, what he's doing. I just want to go home, this is taking forever. Still have have a lot of time to wait until whomever comes and scoops me over to that program.
I am so confused, I finally have papers saying that I can go to the psych ward. That took long enough, I wish Jeff would contact me, but he's being weird about it all. I hope I am not there too long. Maybe a few days at the most?

Another Day

2006-09-04T11:21:00.000-05:00

Another day and the anxiety has already started. Not sure if I will go through with it or not. Still thinking about it. I don't know what to do. Jeff got up for peanut butter toast, teased me about the cheese I got. He hates the smell of it.. but he's back in bed now. He's too upset about Dax still, probably going to be that way for a few days at least.
I've started to pack a bag just in case I need to go to the hospital, not sure if I will though. Maybe that's what I need? I wish I knew for certain what to do.. who to ask for help, if they even can help. What if there's nothing they can do because I don't have insurance? I miss Dax, having her climb up on the couch with me.. wrapping her in a blanket so she can hide.

Waves of Panic

2006-09-03T10:49:00.000-05:00

Waves of panic again.. I've tried sleeping and I'm too restless to lay there. I talked to Sara and we both agreed that tomorrow night would be a good time to go inpatient. Not sure what Jeff thinks about any of this - he has been extremely supportive though which helps a lot. Just one day at a time. I don't want to be scared anymore - I feel as if I am hanging on by a thin thread that's ready to break at any time.
I hope I haven't freaked Jeff out too much, he deserves so much more than me and my BS. Maybe if he can't take me Sara will, she's been really helpful too. Dealing with another wave of panic. Just have to remember not to fight it, to let it wash over me. Not easy to do although I seem to be getting a little bit better at it. I am so ready to not be sick anymore. Will I be like this the rest of my life?
Now I know why so many with borderline personality disorder commit suicide, they lose hope. They just give in the the urges. I feel like such scum for even contemplating all of this, mostly because I know that it's hard on Jeff. He deserves so much more.. in a way this is proving everyone right. I'm selfish. All the people at HSC said I would kill myself. Maybe they were right. I wouldn't do it for the reasons they said though. I will never blame any of this on Jeff. If anything he's whats kept me going this long. I haven't experienced 'calm' before.. I've heard that when people decide to go through with it they often have a sense of calm. They know that it will all be over soon. Thankfully a lot of my anxiety is gone, for the moment at least.
I had Jeff move into the bedroom as I felt I was bothering him. I wish I could lift my mood some. I feel more solid with Jeff though, I know he loves me, just wish I could be more for him. I have this weird headache.. I don't want to feel like this anymore, I am emotionally exhausted. I know I need to talk about the abuse stuff but how does one even begin to do that?
Anxiety is coming back again. I want to self harm really bad, just to get rid of this feeling. I want this to be gone, even if it's only for a little while. The sadness is like this weight that I can't hold anymore - but maybe I should be able to? Maybe I'm just weak or lazy or something. Trying not to push Jeff into going but it's driving me crazy.
We took Dax in, she peed on the computer! It's just too much. We left her in the night box at the Humane Society. I know we had to do it, but it still hurts a lot. She was peeing just about everywhere, even in the bedroom. I already miss her. Not sure if C.J. realizes it yet, probably not. We put her in a cage.. there was a cat box and water as well as a place to put food. A dog was in the cage below her, and another cat in the one next to her. I felt so guilty leaving her there alone. The sheet said people arrive around 6 AM.. Maybe she will be given a better home.
Now I'm tired, nervous about tomorrow. I wonder what will happen I know this Dax thing will take a while to get over.

Sucide and Cats

2006-09-02T07:33:00.000-05:00

Summer is officially gone, we had our first really cold day today, I slept through most of it. Jeff is already in bed, and I'm so bored I might go there myself. I may also do some research on the medications that I have, side effects and things like that. Will be interesting to see all the information on them as well as other ways they are used.
Thankfully my leg feels a lot better and only hurts when I bump that area.. The sad thing now is that I already want to self harm again and I know if I need stitches again so soon I'll have to go in, that and Jeff's probably too tired to bring me in anyway.
Thinking about walking to the store to get a drink and maybe some food.. I know if I go though that I'll pick up razors which I shouldn't do. The campril is helping with the urges or I know I would be in the hospital. I probably should be in the hospital, I am having a lot of suicidal ideation. Hopefully I can wait until Tuesday, the weekends are so boring up there. I can't even really think of a way to do it - *censored - suicide talk* - Jeff would probably find me, I know that would hurt him a lot.
It's hard to believe fall is already here - not wanting to deal with cold weather. Jeff took me to McDonalds and we even went to the store and got a few things, like cheese that I have wanted. The cats have been driving us crazy - C.J. yelling constantly and Dax being sick, both of them are calm now after lots of attention. I wonder what the neighbors think of the cats meowing - C.J. can get pretty loud.

Stitches

2006-09-01T10:24:00.000-05:00

I had to get stitches today on my leg. I'm just filled with these waves of panic. Nothing will happen this weekend though, especially with labor day. Thankfully, Jeff has been extremely supportive all day which helps.
I don't know what to do, I am so tired of the way I feel, being scared so much and feeling as if there is no way to fix any of it and no way out... I am having flashbacks and even body memories that don't seem to go away. Just taking everything a day or hour at a time.
My leg is extremely sore, it felt better without stitches even though I know I needed them. I think Jeff is manic, he's been super hyper.